Afraid

I am learning how to edit, organize and send pictures today. It's fun, kinda hard.



I'm scared to death of what my future holds. So scared I don't want to talk about it.

Gmail - 6 pictures for you - johnsonkimberly88@gmail.com

Gmail - 6 pictures for you - johnsonkimberly88@gmail.com

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Moving along slowly

I still do not have the money for my CE units or my license renewal but I've got an interview next Friday. I also have an interview tomorrow for a customer service job. I've got a good resume so maybe they'll hire me and I can pay for them myself.

A Sign

I'm thinking about taking a detour from the nursing knot. Posted at Employment Connection is a sign that talks about training for telephone sales. i think I'll see what that's all about while I try to work out my license problems.

Monday morning.

God, I am so tired. I didn't sleep at all last night. I've noticed that this happens most weekend nights. I made a concentrated effort not to sleep during the day at all but it didn't help. Part of it I'm sure is stress. I was up all night, loading my resume into various job search engines even though I don't have my license yet.. Brett was invaluable with assistance and advice. I messed up a little bit. I took the exams for two of my required courses too early. Since I took them before March 1st, I can't use them for the next renewal period. I knew this but I grew so impatient that I did it anyway. Lack of impulse control, a big problem in my life.

I'm waffling on the total truth thing. I never knew I was such a liar but I can hardly get through an application without making something up. Everybody keeps telling me to tell the truth but it's so ugly. I can't find anything good about myself to communicate.

Nursing Law

I've been reading the Nurse Practice Act and the requirements for renewal listed on the back of the application. The OBN requires that I report my criminal history to them and hold myself up for disciplinary action. I've been thinking all week about how to avoid this but I don't think I'll even try. I'm going to be honest with them (within reason) and let the chips fall where they may. I'll survive. I think I'm finally moving forward.

PROES

I started the PROES program yesterday. It is an ex-offender reentry program. I am enrolled in the ARRIVE component-Access to Re-entry Resources Increases Viable Employment. It's really pretty nice. It's run by three ex-convicts who have all obtained advanced degrees. Federally funded it maintains a strong support services department. Already, they've given me a ten dollar gas card with more to come. The program offers help with interview clothing and transportation. They also offer employers five hundred dollars per person if they will agree to hire you.

The class is a mix of rowdy ex-cons, thugs and people who are trying to be more than they currently are. Our sessions are filled with laughter, argument and thoughtfully given (though sometimes inappropriate) comment.
Their purpose is to challenge and to help us confront our own criminality. Until our thinking and therefore our behavior changes we will continue to be the drain on society that we have inadvertently become. Mainstreaming us is the goal. I heartily embrace it.

Just a regular day.

Not much happening on the homefront today. I decided to torment Brett all day because he didn't get me a card for Valentines day. I took a couple of those CE courses and passed them pretty easily but I got panicked again when I saw the word 'unhirable' on someone else's blog.

Happy Valentine's Day

Brett decided not to celebrate V-day. Not even a card.

Here's Hoping

I received the packet from the Board of Nursing yesterday. It contained a list of the courses with their web addresses that are required for reinstatement. I looked over a couple of the courses last night and they are heavy-duty. Lots of reading and memorizing. I can't reapply until after March 1, so that gives me time to learn what I need to know.

About Brett.

Brett is really depressed. He either sleeps or lays around all day. He barely eats, I have to do a whole song and dance to get him to pay attention to his meals. He won't take his medicine properly and he can hardly string two words together (paucity of thought). He went to the doctor about a week ago and was given Neurontin for his anxiety. I think it's helped, he's less irritable and has stopped asking, "what's going to happen to me ?". He was also prescribed Seroquel to help his depression and reported insomnia but he declined to get it saying it was too expensive. It was $10. He's still using the internet excessively but is not spending much time on his porno sites. He says that he doesn't enjoy anything. He has marked bradykinesia and his personal hygiene standards have slipped.

I wish that I could help him. I can remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed, so I know how he feels. You have to admire him because he goes to work no matter how he feels. I hope that he gets over this soon because we never do anything fun anymore and that's really dragging me down.

Strike 1!

I guess I didn't need to worry about which option to choose. Power Direct didn't hire me. The interviewer said that my 2006 conviction was too recent to overlook. Bummer. But I knew that before I went. I still hoped, I don't know why.

The only good thing about them turning me down was that it reinforced my awareness of the need to take care of that Weed and Seed conviction. I think my boyfriend realizes it, too. He'll probably give me the money that I need to take care of it now. I hate that I have to strip him of resources to get myself back on my feet but if I don't, I'll be a drag on him forever. I feel horribly guilty about him. Consequences again.

MOTIVATION

MOTIVATION

Suddenly, I've Got Options.

I got a call from Employment Connection this morning. Power Direct, a telemarketing firm that Brett told me about last week, is recruiting there tomorrow. I filled out their application on-line, as directed, and I will be happy to give their open house a shot. They said in their ad that "some felonies will be accepted", so I gave them my little speech and I hope that they will accept me in spite of those 10 bad years. My God, it's just a telemarketing job!

The biggest question that I have is this: If they offer me a position, should I take it? or should I wait for PROES, who might have a partnership agreement or something that will help me get a nursing job? Employment Connection services are for the unemployed but a bird in the hand is worth...

I don't know what to do. At any rate, I'm going to buy an interview outfit this evening so I'll be prepared for whichever.

Crime and Punishment?

I went to take the Census Test for Fieldworkers today. Some parts of it were as hard as hell! I'm really glad that I took the practice test or I would have been lost. I scored 27 out 0f 28, so I guess that puts paid to the comment that I have holes in my brain. I recognized some of the questions from the practice test but not many.

Anxiety is building about whether I'll be able to find a job. Now that I know that I can get my license back I'm wondering who will hire me with my background. On the Census test today was the dreaded question, "Have you been convicted of any crime"? Not just any felony, any crime at all. I thought the Federal government just asked about crimes that were related to the job being applied for and felonies; I guess I was wrong.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I don't see that many LPN jobs in the newspaper or online. Hopefully, this won't matter because the nursing homes where I used to work didn't always post the vacancies they had.

So, all in all, I'm worried. I will be glad when I get the packet from the Board that tells me what I have to do to get my license back. That will give me something positive to work on.

Waiting to exhale.

My friends were so happy for me yesterday. I know that I said in my first post that I didn't have any friends but that was not quite true. I think I was feeling a little blue because it was my birthday. I do have one good friend and he called to congratulate me when he got my message about the Board. My boyfriend was so happy he was stuttering!
Now that some of the excitement has died down, its on to business as usual. I have a test at the Census Bureau through the Employment Connection. I took the practice test and scored 24 out of 28., I'm sure I would have done better if I had taken the time to read the answers carefully. Anyway, the test is scheduled for Wednesday at 2p.m.
Per my usual, I don't want to work as a Census taker. I don't want to work outside and I don't want to go door-to-door, but the money is good, and when the E.C. called me, I said yes. On February 16th, I start the PROES program. It is an employment program for ex-offenders and I signed up for it in January. I'm not sure that I'm eligible for it since I don't have a felony record but we'll see. Maybe they can find me a nursing job match. Meanwhile, I'll be taking classes in resume preparation and interviewing techniques. I hope that they offer Microsoft Office Certification .

Slain dragon!

The Ohio Board of Nursing is going to send me a renewal package!!!! I am so happy! I can't believe it was so easy. I have cowered for years, smothered by pride, guilt and shame. My pride refused to allow me to admit that I was suffering the consequences of my lifestyle choices. Until I could face the fact that my life was damaged and that the damage really mattered, I was unable to move forward into recovery. There are still problems. My criminal record along with my poor work history will make it hard for me to find employment. But at least I have a chance. If not, I can use my LPN license to take an accelerated RN degree course, after which I'm sure I'll get a job. I hope that I'm not fooling myself. There is one administrator who might give me a chance even though I burned her by disappearing from the job a few years ago. Another positive is that since my license has been lapsed for over five years, I must take certain courses to bring it up to date. Hopefully, this will be looked on favorably by the hiring managers that I encounter.

You know, I never valued having a career as an LPN but I was too dysfunctional to succeed in doing anything about it. I made several attempts at a RN degree but would always drop out before I could get it. This is where it gets tricky. I don't know if I'll be able to do it now, but realizing this about myself makes the career that I have all the more important. Because I want to have a good life and that is something new.

Determined to forge ahead with my plan of reinventing my life, I've decided that I will confront one of my biggest bogeymen. Today, I will call the state nursing board to see if I can have my LPN license back. I am reluctant to do this for several reasons, first, I am embarrassed that I let it expire, second, I will be very upset if they tell me no and I don't want to experience that pain right now, third, it will be the death of all hope that there is still a fairly easy way out of my dilemma and finally, I don't really want to be an LPN. Wanting to or not, returning to work as an LPN is still the best way to bring some much needed revenue into the household, and it's shaming me not to be able to pull my own weight.

I'm 49 years old today and I have to restart my entire life. I have no job, no money, no education,no looks, no husband, no friends and no children(details later). I have a criminal history and a bad credit report. But I also have a boyfriend who loves me and I believe that he deserves a better life. So I've decided to reinvent myself.I had very few defenses against the hurts that one's inner and outer worlds can inflict and so I made a lot of mistakes. I think this reinvention will be quite difficult because I'm rather old and I've absorbed a lot of damage over the years. Nonetheless, I am determined to move my life in a positive direction, in a word, to grow.